The Global War on Terror: A Political Game?

The Global War on Terror: A Political Game?
Lalit Koul

[For this month's Satire issue, Kashmir Herald through its deep-throat contacts managed to get the transcript of a telephonic conversation between Pakistani Dictator-Chief Executive-President-Commander-in-Chief Pervez Musharraf and US National Security Advisor Dr. Condeleeza Rice. Here we present that discussion.]

Venue: On-Air.
When: July 29th 2004

Dr. Condeleeza Rice: Hello !!! Hello !!!

Pervez Musharraf (whispering to his Chief of Staff): Who is on the phone?

Chief of Staff: It seems like Doctor Rice from the White House.

Pervez Musharraf (whispering to his Chief of Staff): What? What the heck does she need now? Can you tell her I am not available?

Chief of Staff: Mr.President, I think she heard you. She wants to talk to you right now.

Pervez Musharraf: OK. Put her on.

Pervez Musharraf: Dr. Rice. Good Morning. I am so pleasantly surprised to hear from you. Is everything OK?

Dr. Condeleeza Rice: Pervez, do you know what day it is today?

Pervez Musharraf: Yes. It is July 29^th. Anything special about today?

Dr. Condeleeza Rice: Pervez!!! Pervez!!! What is wrong with you? Are you too busy counting the green dollars we have given you? I think we need to put a stop on those dollars.

Pervez Musharraf: I am sorry, Dr. Rice. I seem to be missing the point. Could you please refresh my memory?

Dr. Condeleeza Rice: Pervez! Democratic Convention. John Kerry speaking tonight. Does that ring a bell?

Pervez Musharraf: Oh! Yes. Yes. Yes. I got it. I got it now. You see, my prime-minister-designate was attacked just few days back and I have been kind of worried about that.

Dr. Condeleeza Rice: What is there to worry about? Don’t tell me that you don’t know who was behind that attack.

Pervez Musharraf: I know. I know. But we still have to be careful. Sometime the cat can get out of the bag and that can get us into big trouble.

Dr. Condeleeza Rice: Fine. Fine. Let us get to the business. So what’s next?

Pervez Musharraf: Trust me. My boys are already on the job. We never forget our deadlines. I might be busy but my ISI folks are very diligent. They will get the job done. Please stay tuned to CNN and you will hear something soon.

Dr. Condeleeza Rice: No. I don’t want to hear it from CNN. I want to know from you first so that we can manage the media accordingly. Please tell me that you are not talking to Pentagon folks on the side as well.

Pervez Musharraf: No. No. They do try to get their information from my boys but they are under strict instructions to not entertain Pentagon requests. Madam, we will always go through you. If you want, I will have you in the loop before CNN knows about it.

Dr. Condeleeza Rice: That’s fine. So how big is this one going to be?

Pervez Musharraf: I am not yet sure. But it will be big enough to keep Governor Ridge, FBI, CNN and FOX busy for few days. That shall work well for Mr. President. Isn’t that the intention?

Dr. Condeleeza Rice: Yeah. Yeah. Don’t say it loudly. What about others?

Pervez Musharraf: Dr. Rice, we do have the roadmap and we are following it religiously. So you please don’t worry.

Dr. Condeleeza Rice: You do know that John Kerry is no George Bush. John Kerry does not have a ranch in Texas.

Pervez Musharraf: Yes. Yes, I do. My wife has been telling me that after Camp David, the next place she wants to visit is the Crawford ranch. She is dying to see the farm house. She must have talked to Madam Cherie of Britain.

Dr. Condeleeza Rice: That is no problem. That will be arranged. When you are here next for UN General Assembly, we will make plans for your trip to Crawford. You just deliver as per the road map and we will be all one big happy family.

Pervez Musharraf: That would be very nice. And we have another deliverable due around that time as well. You know that this election is not just for Mr. President. In a way, it is my election as well.

Dr. Condeleeza Rice: You got that right. If you mess up somewhere down the road, you know the consequences. So play it carefully. We are all in this game together.

Pervez Musharraf: Oh, yes. Yes. As I said, you please don’t worry. Everything will be under control. You just please keep Secretary Snow informed about our needs and as you said we will be a nice one big happy family.

Dr. Condeleeza Rice: That’s not a problem. We know how to move funds from one area to another. Remember Afghanistan to Iraq transfer? You don’t worry. And now that Secretary Powell has given you the “Major Non-NATO Ally” status, it is much easier.

Pervez Musharraf: Yeah. That status really is going to help. Many thanks for putting in a nice word for us, and staying mum on my nuclear proliferation business. By the way, is it true that you will be the next Secretary of State in coming January?

Dr. Condeleeza Rice: January is too far, Pervez. Let us focus on the next three months right now. OK. I have to go now and fill in the President. You do your job and we will be all right.

Pervez Musharraf: Inshallah!!! Nice talking to you Dr. Rice. Good day!!