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Kashmir News Network

CIA Director George Tenet and Mullah Omar Conversation
Kashmir News Network Exclusive

[Note from KNN: This is the second piece in a series of articles that will attempt to view the post-September 11 global scenario through a satirical lens.]

On December 20, 2001, a week after the attack on the Indian Parliament by Pakistani suicide bombers, US President Bush advised India to share evidence it had accumulated with Pakistan, and for the two countries to jointly fight terrorism. President Bush then proceeded to set an example himself of this novel technique in counter-terrorism – sharing evidence with terrorist sponsors. He invited ex-Taliban chief Mullah Omar out of hiding to review US evidence against the Al Qaida.

The Mullah, after consultation with the Pakistani religious leadership and being assured that he was not walking into a trap, agreed to the President’s request. He emerged from his Pakistani hideout in Gen. Musharraf’s summer home, and took a Pakistan International Airlines (PIA) plane to Washington DC. He attended a meeting with CIA director George Tenet to review evidence against the Al Qaida. A transcript of exclusive tapes of the proceedings surreptitiously obtained by KNN is provided below.

Mr. Tenet: Here’s the video tape of Bin Laden, Al-Zawahiri and Mohammed Atta sitting around a camp fire outside Jalalabad plotting the September 11 attacks. Look, Bin Laden’s drawing the WTC skyscrapers and showing Mohammed Atta (the first WTC hijacker) the angle to fly the plane into them. See, now do you have any doubts that your erstwhile guests were terrorists?

Mullah Omar: I don’t believe that. How did you get that tape? That used to be a super-secret location last summer.

Mr. Tenet: We had a mole inside the Al Qaida. He is one of the top leaders. His name is Mahmud Al-Ghani.

Mullah Omar: No way. That’s not possible. Bin Laden himself told me that Al-Ghani was trustworthy. And he has never been in contact with the CIA.

Mr. Tenet: That’s easy. We can prove that. Al-Ghani has a classified video camera implanted into his left eye socket. We use this new implantable technology that even the Russians don’t know about. It sends us the video automatically – but our Microsoft software takes several months to process it due to its frequent crashes, and so we just saw the video.

Mullah Omar: Excuse me, I need to make a phone call to my cousin in Pakistan. (Mr. Tenet leaves the room for a few minutes to give the Mullah privacy)

Mullah Omar (talking on the phone to ISI operative in Pakistan): You won’t believe this, Tenet just told me Al-Ghani is a traitor. He videotaped the plotting of the September 11 attacks. I want you to send a suicide bomber to blow him to bits. Wait, he has this hi-tech video camera or something in his left eye. Save his left eye socket, so we can extract the implantable camera and study it for future use.

ISI operative: I don’t believe this, Amir-ul-Momineen. I was the handler for Al-Ghani for several years. Wait, he did become friends later with one of my colleagues- Abdul Rahim - in our Taliban division. I have long suspected the CIA pays off Abdul Rahim. Rahim has gotten really rich suddenly, and many in his family have gotten US citizenship. Oh yes, now I know who gave away half of our agents to the CIA.

Mullah Omar: Well now that you have connected these dots, what do you plan to do about it?

ISI operative: Don’t worry, we will take care of the situation. I will send my best-trained professional to take care of Al-Ghani and return with his left eye socket. I have friends in our hi-tech division – I will ask them to take a look at this new video technology and see how we can put it to use in Kashmir. Maybe we can use it to collect evidence against Indian informers there. We have only killed 5 informers a day for the last few months. We have orders from Musharraf to work on that statistic. And about Abdul Rahim, consider him gone.

Mullah Omar: Sounds like a plan. OK thanks, over and out.

(knock on the door)

George Tenet (peeping in): Respected Mullah, have you finished talking to your cousin?

Mullah Omar: Thank you Mr. Tenet, yes, I needed to ask my cousin about his health. He has been under the weather.

George Tenet: I understand very well, please send him my best wishes next time you ring him up. We do have more evidence to prove that Bin Laden did it. Would you like to review it next?

Mullah Omar: Oh yes that’s very good. I still have my doubts, maybe more evidence will help me remove those doubts, Insha-allah.

(recording becomes incoherent)

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